When the Upper Limit Is Me

I’ve been here before—standing at the edge of what feels like the next step toward my business goals. What is this feeling in my body? Is it fear or excitement? Will I fail again? I can’t tell… and that worries me. 

It feels like I’m swirling in a vortex: growing, failing, evolving, sliding backward, tripping and falling on my face. And when I look up and it seems like I’ve been in the same place the whole time. What feels different now is that I have been here before—and I’m older and hopefully wiser. No, cross that out—I am wiser.

Full disclosure: we’ve been facing a few production issues lately, and I couldn’t fully understand why. If you don’t know my backstory, this business started in 2008 with a focus on petite premium denim. I had an opportunity to manufacture my denim with a family friend in China, and it backfired in a big way. After two years of back‑and‑forth design and development, I received the shipment (right before we were set to launch into Hawai‘i boutiques) and it was all wrong.

They made my designs in lower‑quality (okay—cheap) denim. I opened the boxes in my storage unit and the smell of toxic fumes hit me. To say I cried would be an understatement—I sobbed. I somehow pulled myself together, made a trip to LA, took out another business loan, and met with a few factories to make the denim again, the way I intended (well, almost). Those factories in LA eventually disappointed me too—for different reasons: low quality, no integrity, and zero transparency. Every time, I would ask myself, Why can’t I find a good factory? 

Finding the right factory is like finding the right partner in life—it takes kissing a lot of frogs before you find the prince. I’ll have to admit, I’ve kissed (worked with) over 20  different frogs over the last 16 years of business. And after all that, I finally feel like I’m at the precipice of something great. I think I may have finally found a couple of amazing partners to work and grow with, but my mind keeps taking me back to the fear of disappointment and failure of the past. Which has made me feel like, Have I been the issue this whole time? I mean, yes, some of these factories were… let’s say, not aligned. But there were a few that could have worked out. Maybe they weren’t the problem after all. Maybe it has been me all along? 

That question pushed me off the cliff—into reading, growth, self-awareness, and spiritual practice. I dove into the deep end with no flotation device. What I found was humbling: whenever I neared the “next step” in my business, I was the one who stumbled. I kept a glass ceiling over my own head and, energetically, I’d conjure a problem. Gay Hendricks calls it the “Upper Limit Problem” in The Big Leap.

This is my third time reading this book, but only recently did it click. The catalyst was a single week where I straddled two realities—financial abundance and debilitating debt—while feeling exactly the same inside: fear of failure and a shaky sense of worth. That contrast gave me the A-HA moment I needed, and shook me to my core.

No matter what my bank account showed me, I felt the same fear and failure. So instead of ignoring it again, I made myself sit with that uncomfortable awareness, longer and longer. Almost as if I were saying, “look at what you’ve done.”  Then something shifted—another gift in the form of a book: The Mindful Self‑Compassion Workbook by Kristin Neff, PhD, and Christopher Germer, PhD. Instead of forcing myself to “learn the damn lesson,” I found the strength to honor my journey and give myself grace.

I could literally see, feel, almost taste the change—in me, in the energy, in my awareness. And I wanted more. So I set aside 2-3 hours a day to reread, pray, and meditate as if my life depended on it. I was committed to moving past the limits I had created. 

So here I am. I don’t know what the future holds for me or for this business, but I do know I’m more present, more self‑aware, and more compassionate (with myself). Every day I practice leading with faith over fear and compassion over grit. Where will this shift take me? Who knows. But I already feel lighter, with a new excitement for my future, this brand, and my life.

-Allison